I'm not sure why Sweetiepoo thinks I can't handle grocery shopping. Just because there was that one time she asked me to get her a box of penne pasta and I came home empty-handed saying, "They didn't have any. All the pasta cost at least two dollars a box," doesn't mean that I can't be an ef…

Life was complicated enough when I had to talk with people. Now, I have to talk with inanimate objects, too. It used to be that was grounds for being labeled insane. Now, everyone's doing it, so it's okay.

Sweetiepoo decided to take me on a vacation this week. As soon as it's over, I'm going to need to plan another vacation to get over this one.

So I took a vacation. I know immediately the thought that came to your mind: "From what? You don't do anything."

Someone told me the Olympics are over. Thank goodness. My DVR was running out of reruns I'd already seen five times.

Mankind has and will continue to be caused to take pause and reflect on great philosophical matters throughout his existence. Fortunately, Fate knows I've got the brainpower of a gallon of weed killer, so it just tosses me minor ethical quandaries to consider every now and then, figuring if …

Why is it change only comes after you've mastered the thing that's changing?

The great thing about having a column be a finalist in the Tennessee Press Association's Best Humor Column category is that it allows me to reprint my musings from last year and take a day off from having to actually think - come to think of it, every day is a day off from thinking for me.

I think Saturday evening I set the world record for how many times you could say, "No, don't you do that," in both one minute and one breath. I have my niece Little Turtle's transition from age five to age six to thank for that.

My five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, has been on a room-cleaning kick. I'm not sure what prompted the change, seeing as how, from the time she could dig in a toy box until now, her preference has been room-messing-up. I think it's possible that while Turtle fell asleep during a rerun of "M…

I've never stayed in a bed and breakfast before. Actually, that's not true. Momma and Daddy gave me a bed and Momma gave us all breakfast, so let me rephrase by saying I've never paid to stay in a bed and breakfast before.

Beware: All that glitters is not Wonka's Golden Ticket. Sometimes, it may look like Wonka's Golden Ticket, smell like Wonka's Golden Ticket, walk like Wonka's Golden Ticket, and talk like Wonka's Golden Ticket but, in the end, it's just a piece of tissue Wonka blew his nose in and threw on t…

If you're of the opinion that kids today don't care enough to take a stand on the important issues, I'm here to tell you that depends on your definition of important.

Roman Polanski's famous private eye thriller, "Chinatown," is one of my favorite movies. It begs the philosophical question of where to draw the line in helping someone for fear of your help actually doing more harm than good. If you've never seen the film, just read this column and you'll g…

I'd agreed to watch the house and the menagerie of animals within it while my friend, K., was away this weekend because (a) I'm ignorant, and (b) I'm not terribly bright. I'd assumed when K. asked me to watch the house and the animals, she just wanted me to watch the house and the animals. I…

I’ve found in my long association with my five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, that if you want her to do something, you should tell her to do the exact opposite. That’s just her nature for some reason – it seems to be the nature of most five-year-olds, now that I think of it. Turtle’s mother…

When my girlfriend, Sweetiepoo, suggested, "Let's get Wawa," I answered, "I don't want water. I want a coffee and something to eat."

It's a sure sign someone really loves you and cares about you deeply when they totally ignore you.

At first, I thought my friend was joking when she said Monday was National Kitchen Klutzes of America Day. Turns out she was not only serious, but Monday was also National Sewing Machine Day and National Weed Your Garden Day.

My practical knowledge of economics lies somewhere between Nobel Prize-winning theory and "If I buy two burgers on the Value Menu, do I get fries for free?" In other words, I'm not really sure I know much, but every now and then, I surprise myself.

Do you know what leaves me utterly confused?

Why is it the times you're trying to buy something clandestinely and not draw attention to yourself, that's the time that the person in front of you in the grocery store line decides to get into an argument with the cashier over agricultural economics?

My girlfriend, Sweetiepoo, was nervous about meeting my older sister, Ray, for the first time. Then, she actually met Ray and got mad at herself for ever being nervous about anything in her life.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with the concept of a girlfriend, so let me explain it: Imagine taking your conscience, merging it with a strong opinion and an iron fist, rolling it all up, and putting it in a five-foot-four package with a pair of size 8.5 shoes. In any other human being, yo…

Since my five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, has started playing semi-non-professional Tee Ball, I've noticed a few differences between that version of America's pastime and Major League Baseball.

I always knew the time would come when my five-year-old criminal genius niece, Little Turtle, would decide I'm expendable. But, she did use her superior intellect to find one last way for me to be useful.

My five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, is not very good at doing laundry. She's good at creating laundry - and then scattering it across the floor as if she's trying to plant a T-shirt garden - but when it comes to cleaning dirty clothes, it's just not one of her strengths.

I should've known it was a trap, but I was too much in shock to think clearly. I'm sure my five-year-old evil genius niece, Little Turtle, had counted on that. I mean, how else do you react when you walk in to find a wild child standing calmly with a broom in one hand and a dustpan in the other?

The first rule of drug use is to not tell anyone you're using them. Not that I do drugs, but I do have other vices, such as chocolate bars, which are similar to drugs in that they're highly addictive and, if people are aware you have some in your possession, they immediately claim they're yo…

My five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, has been on a room-cleaning kick. I'm not sure what prompted the change, seeing as how, from the time she could dig in a toy box until now, her preference has been room-messing-up. I think it's possible that while Turtle fell asleep during a rerun of "M…

EDITOR'S NOTE: I'll be back from vacation next week - I know that just tickles you all pink. In the meantime, how about I tickle you green with these tidbits about St. Patrick's Day.

Siri and I don't see iPhone to iPhone.

If you're like me, then around this time of year, you typically find sinus pressure has pushed your checks up to your forehead and you're afraid to sneeze for fear you'll blow your brains out your ears. Of course, if you're like me, you've probably been told on numerous occasions you either …

To the person who once told me the germiest place in my home was wherever I was standing at any given time, put this in your petri dish and smoke it ... or do whatever it is you do with stuff in a petri dish.

I'll return to my usual nonsense on Friday, but I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone in our community who stepped up to the plate and did their part to contribute to this year's United Way of McMinn & Meigs Counties fundraising campaign.

Want to know how to get free perks with your hotel room? The trick is to stay in someone else's room.

As part of her training to be a Bond villain, my five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, executed her first-ever diabolical plot to great effect Wednesday evening. Judging from her performance, I estimate she'll be taking over the world sometime between the next 20 years and next Tuesday.

Whenever I travel, my five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, tells me to bring her something back. No questions asked. No special requests for sand in a bottle or sea shells or a pony or a polar bear, just something. But, this is non-negotiable: I could spend a week at the International I'm Giv…

I thought I was going to win the Powerball and not have to write a column today. That didn't happen. I was told today it didn't happen because I didn't buy a ticket. Of course I didn't buy a ticket. If I thought I had half a chance of winning the Powerball, then I'd have asked out a supermod…

My five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, needs a cell phone of her own. Now, I know some of you will think I've gone crazy, while others of you aren't fazed by that since you know I've always been crazy. Why does a five-year-old girl need a cell phone, you ask? So she'll be on caller ID and I'…

Have that puzzled feeling in the back of your head that keeps nagging that you've forgotten to put something on your grocery list. I've got the solution: Take a five-year-old girl shopping with you. Not only will that particular item magically appear in your buggy - so will 20 other things y…

I'd resolved to try to eat healthier for the new year, so I only ate half of my triple bypass burger. Then, I noticed the top resolution for 2016 is to "live life to the fullest," and since I wasn't feeling full, I decided to eat the other half of the burger and then order another and a gian…

It's time for my annual retelling of "The Night Before Christmas." Of course, this year, my five-year-old niece, Little Turtle, wanted to be included, so I've had to make a few adjustments.

I learned the meaning of Christmas from a cookie. No, not a fortune cookie, goober.

My infamous Christmas tree story is just like the tree itself: Once a year, I get the great privilege of removing it from storage, dusting it off, spraying it with Lysol, and trying to make it into something presentable.

The digital age has changed many traditions, but one has remained intact: The Christmas tradition of attacking a catalog with a Sharpie marker.

Coffee will really put you in your place fast. No, that's not a bathroom joke.

I know some of you reading this probably aren't familiar with the merchandising phenomenon known as The Elf on the Shelf, so let me just tell all five of you while you're here. The Elf on the Shelf is this agent of an unseen force codenamed Santa (a.k.a., Jolly Ol' St. Nick, a.k.a., The Fat …